Today I am enjoying joblessness - basking a little in the pure satisfaction of doing something I never thought I would, combined with the glorious freedom and thrill of a clean slate.  There is no stress today.  Only Southern's Pizza and a few celebratory beers.  "You did it.  You finally took the leap."  Today, I keep the company of two little boys and a grown man who is my best friend in the whole world.  Today we celebrate.

Tomorrow, we swim.

A few days ago, I submitted my week's notice to my boss.   
As I looked across the table at the man I'd spent nearly a dozen years with, I was riddled with anxiety and guilt.   I held my breath and adopted an internal chant of encouragement: 'you can do this.'   I waited for a natural moment in the conversation to break it to him, desiring to do so as gently as I could - but the subject matter at hand wasn't making it easy.  In fact, he was going on an on about the difficulty in replacing good people.   Just my luck, really  - before I marched into his office, fully prepared to deliver my news, I hadn't been aware that he had lost two other sales people in the course of three days.   I was about to become his third.

Well, damn.  I liked my boss.  I respected him.  He reminded me very much of my father, especially in his mannerisms as he candidly shared his plans for covering his losses and what a pain in his ass it was to interview new people.  Every word was unraveling my nerve.   I felt selfish.  I felt I was about to betray him.  Every fiber in my being wanted to jump up, and commit myself, sacrificially and stupidly, to staying right where I was.       
But no.   Something primal drove me forward - I knew better than to stay on a ship I knew had been sinking under me for a very long time and offered nothing but a watered-down grave for the person I wanted to become.  My decision was sound and my motivations were true.  I thought of my boys and my ability to provide more effectively for them.  I thought of my own potential.  I thought of shrugging off the chains of business philosophies I no longer agreed with.  
And then, I took a deep breath, and I made the words happen.  "I'm here today to resign."  I saw the flash of shock in his eyes, but I bit back on the apology before it had a chance to escape me.  I had a bad habit of apologizing for things that weren't mine to be sorry for.  Part of my new plans involved breaking myself of that.  I would move forward - I would be strong - I would be confident!
The conversation following was short and a bit terse.  There wasn't much left to say.  We worked out the details of my last day and the transfers of clients.  Then, I thanked him and stood to leave.  He said it had been great to work with me - a pleasure and an honor.   My heart finally broke.  I burst into tears as I started for his office door.   I was completely embarrassed - so much for that strong and confident crap - what the hell was I doing?!   As I paused in that brief moment to collect myself before walking out into the main area, my heart beating like the hooves of mustangs, my then ex-boss showed a rare moment of compassion:   a half-hug and the words, "You'll be okay."
I crossed the threshold.  He was right.

Today was one of the best days ever.  I woke up early, and went to my Long Range Clinic with the Sure Shots, where I had an opportunity to shoot a rifle that is quite possibly more expensive than my SUV - a McMillan CS5 Alias.  Just WOW.  Even though there was 25 mile-per-hour cross winds, and the day grew colder than expected as the front blew through, I still had a blast.  Literally. 
After the clinic, I skipped the office and decided to work from home the rest of the day. As I checked a few office emails, and took a phone call or two, I found myself intermittently begging the boys to keep their noise down.  Seriously, it sounded like a circus in my living room.  On my last, exasperated attempt to ask them to play the “quiet game,” I gave up.  I had to.  They were just being so darn cute, I surrendered.     

So I let work go.  Anything I was doing could wait until the next day, anyways.  Funnily enough, waving the white flag was actually quite refreshing. 

I picked up a Boom Whacker and joined Max’s Parade.  We pretended to be elephants and trumpet players and we made as many crazy noises as we possibly could.  Even Maverick was really getting the hang of making some animal noises.  I marveled at his mimicking ability.  He is doing so well.  And Max is super creative.  The imagination in his head is simply inspiring.    

So I found myself really having a lot of fun today.  So much fun, in fact, that I had a little tinge of sadness when I had to let Mommy responsibility kick back in and prepare dinner, baths, and bedtimes. 

All too soon, those worn out little men were tucked in and sound asleep, and I had a chance to reflect on the day.  It was definitely one that I want to hold onto forever.  I want to keep those rejuvenating laughs and giggles from this afternoon’s cacophony symphony locked in my soul, where I can replay them like videos anytime I need a lift in spirit.

I love you boys.  Thank you for making my day special.       

Tonight, I got home from work a little early.  Tomorrow is a big day for me (long range training class early in the morning) so I just wanted to relax.  I wanted to play outside with the boys while there was still a little daylight to be had. 

It was fun.  I pushed the boys in their swings and enjoyed their laughter.   Then, Mike came out of the house with a small gift wrapped for me.  He remembered!   It's just a few days before my birthday.

The small gift was a sweet surprise - inside the carfeully wrapped box was a simple, green apple.   In my head, I could just picture Max telling Daddy he wanted to give me an apple for my birthday.  Max had the cutest smile on.  So I went to him and gave him big hugs.  I said, "Thank you Max!"    On cue, Max said, "Oh Mommy, that's the wrong apple."  And he laughed and laughed!   I was confused...  until Mike brought an iPad mini out from behind his back and said, "Happy Birthday Mommy!"   
Well...  now that's what I call a sweet gift. 

Maverick is too cute when we go shopping.   We stroll along and he sits facing me, making eyes and gurgles and pointing at things excitedly.   Today, he saw this hat with a face on it.  He screamed and laughed and pointed.  "I want that hat, mommy!" he seemed to say.   I said, "does it fit?  Your head is sure getting big these days!"  So I took it and placed it on his head.  He then protested - loudly!! -and immediately pulled it off, throwing it away from the cart. 
OK... obviously he didn't think it was as much fun on his head as it was off, where he could see it!   Funny, silly Maverick.   I thought it was pretty cute, but I'm not going to buy him a hat that he only wants to look at, and not keep on his head.  
    ...Either way, thanks for being my shopping buddy today.  I hope you enjoy shopping with me as much as I enjoy being with you!   XOXOX Mommy.      

This morning I was running late.  I couldn’t find Max’s birth certificate – it wasn’t where I thought it was.  Grrr!  Note to self:  Take some time to get seriously organized!

 

I needed the birth certificate because today was… Kindergarten Round-Up.   (!!!)  It’s hard to believe that Max will officially be in public school in August.  That’s only 5 months from now. 

I think he’s ready…  but will I be?  Parents tend to get a little anxious as their child has their first day of school.  I can see how it’s a little unnerving – sending your precious little one into a strange new world, full of new faces and new rules.   It’s got to be a culture shock for them. 

If I’m being honest, I’m not as concerned at how Max will adjust as I am about how his teachers will handle him.  Admittedly, he’s intelligent – but he’s also easily bored and stubborn, which can be a combination for failure.     

I was mulling over this a little as I waited in the registration line at the local Middle School.  It didn’t escape me that I was definitely the odd one out in the queue of moms – having come on my lunch break, I was a suit in a sea of jersey knits, all of whom were talking excitedly with each other.  Suddenly, I was 12 again – the band nerd alone in a shark tank full of cheerleaders.  Then, the bell rang and students poured past us.   I couldn’t help smile a little as a back-to-school excitement intermingled with my time-warped musings. 

Funny how some things don’t change.  Rows of books surrounded me in the library, categorized and neatly aligned on the shelves, waiting for eager readers.  The cafeteria across the hall was bustling with animated conversation and there was that unmistakable, nostalgic smell of brown bag lunch wafting over.  Colorful student posters lined the halls, advocating anti-bullying and promoting school pride.   A cup of freshly sharpened No. 2’s greeted me on the table where I sat to fill out Max’s forms.  The erasers had never been used.

Again, I have something to smile about.  Back-to-school always feels like New Year’s to me.  My apprehensions about Max are quickly replaced by the excitement of the possibilities headed his way.    

Oddly enough, I've never been to a UT Home Game.  I've been to away games, and even been to the Red River Shoot Out a few times; but never a home game at DKR Stadium.   I guess that's kinda weird, seeing as how I went to UT for 5 years and was a stone's throw from the stadium while living in the dorm.  But, I worked through college, and Saturdays were for making money, not spending it at football games. 
On October 20, we became the lucky recipients of some extra tickets.  At first, I didn't want to go, as Maverick was still recovering from surgery...  but finally, we decided we should embrace the opportunity.  The game was against Baylor, and it was very exciting.  UT won, which made it all the more awesome!!   We had so much fun, we decided we should take the opportunity to go a few more times next year.     Hook 'em on that!